Before sex: what to ask your partner

Whether you've been together for years or you've only just met, if sex is part of your relationship or is going to be, it's important to talk about it. Here's how.

Watch a video on talking about using a condom

Talking about sex doesn't have to be difficult or embarrassing. If you feel that it is, there are ways to make it easier.

Discussing issues such as contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), or what you like and don't like, lets you both share your thoughts, expectations and worries. It can help you make decisions together that suit you both.

The information on this page is for people who are talking to a new partner about sex and want to know how to discuss their sexual history, contraception and using condoms.

For information on talking about sex and sexual problems with a longer-term partner who you're already having sex with, see Let's talk about sex.

When to talk about sex

Don't wait until you're already having sex. You might make hasty decisions or take risks you wouldn't normally take.

Talking about contraception and condoms in advance lets you know your options, so you can make a considered decision.

Choose a time and place where you can talk openly without being disturbed.

How to say it

Some simple ways of bringing up the subject of sex and safer sex include saying:

• "How do you feel about sex?"
• "Would you want to have sex with me?"
• "I'd like to have sex with you, do you feel ready?"
• "We should talk about safer sex if we're going to have sex."
• "We could go to a clinic and find out about contraception together."
• "Do you like a particular type of condom? We need to get some." (Condoms are the only contraception that protects against STIs.)

It's important to discuss safer sex, regardless of who you're having sex with. Infections can pass between two women and two men, as well as between men and women. For more information on safer sex for same-sex partners, see sexual health for women who have sex with women and sexual health for men who have sex with men.

Mentioning contraception

If you want to avoid pregnancy, finding out about the different methods of contraception together can be a good way to discuss sex.

Check our contraception guide.

You could also visit a contraceptive clinic together. Staff will be happy to discuss your options with you and can help you choose the method that's right for you.

Talking about sexual history

Find out about your partner's sexual history. For example, find out whether they have any STIs that might put you at risk. You could say:

• "Before we have sex, there's something I need to ask you: have you ever been checked for STIs? Have you got any STIs that you know about?"

Or you might need to tell your partner something. You could say:

• "Before we have sex, there's something I need to tell you."
• "Can we talk about something before we have sex?"

A doctor or nurse at your community contraceptive clinic, sexual health clinic or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic can discuss safer sex with you, including condom use. Find sexual health services near you, including contraceptive clinics.

This is particularly important if you or your partner have an infection and need to stop it spreading. If you have an infection or condition, having leaflets about it could help you talk about it together.

You only have to have sex without a condom once to catch an STI that could affect you for life.

A one-night stand

If you think you might have sex with someone you've just met, carry condoms with you. Make sure that you use them if you have sex.

Bring up the subject of using them before you're actually having sex. Don't wait until there's contact between your genitals and your partner's genitals. This is too late. Put on the condom before there's any genital contact and before using sex toys.

Think in advance about when you could mention using a condom. In your mind, establish a line that you won't cross until you bring up the subject. For example, you could think to yourself "my zip can't be undone if I haven't talked about using a condom".

For advice on talking about and using condoms, see condom tips and condom excuses.

Peer pressure

Sometimes it feels like everyone's trying to push you into having sex: your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, films and TV. But it's up to you when you have sex, and it's OK to say no. Find out how to resist the pressure.

Watch a video about teens and unsafe sex

One minute you're playing kiss chase in the playground and sex doesn't come into it. The next minute your friends are obsessed about when everyone will lose their virginity.

You might be thinking about sex, but the reality of it can be confusing. It takes time to understand what sex is all about. Just because you want to know more doesn't mean you have to rush into anything.

If you're feeling pressured into having sex, you're not alone. You might feel like the only virgin, but the average age teenagers start having sex in the UK is 16. This is true for boys and girls, so not everyone who says they've had sex is telling the truth.

Good relationships start with friendship, and trust builds from there.

What is peer pressure?

Peer pressure is the pressure friends and other people you know put on you to do something you don't want to do or don't feel ready to do, such as have sex.

There are different types of peer pressure:

• obvious peer pressure – "Everyone's doing it, so should you."
• underhand peer pressure – "You're a virgin, you wouldn't understand."
• controlling peer pressure – "You would do it if you loved me."

Good reasons to wait until you're ready

The pressure your friends put on you is worse than the pressure you put on yourself. Most of us have to deal with it at some point, but it's difficult when friends brag about having sex and criticise you for being a virgin.

Not everything you hear is true. They could be exaggerating to make themselves look more experienced than you. Rushing into sex just to impress your friends or partner could leave you feeling like a fool because you didn't make your own decision.

It might help you to remember that:

• being in love or fancying someone doesn't mean you have to have sex
• not having sex is not a sign you're immature
• saying no to sex is not bad for anyone's health

It's fine to say no or to say you want to wait a while, even if you've had sex before. Find out 15 things you should know about sex.

Making your own decision

Don't do something you're not ready to do just to please other people. You're more likely to regret your first time if you do it under pressure.

You're also more likely to forget about contraception and condoms, which help prevent pregnancy and protect you from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia.

Having sex won't make your boyfriend or girlfriend like you more or stay with you. Your first time is important, so think carefully about it and take it slowly.

Everyone – girls and boys, lesbian, gay, straight or bisexual – deserves to make their own decision in their own time. Sex can be great when both people like each other and feel ready. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

How to stand up to the pressure

Standing up to peer pressure means deciding whether to go along with everyone else or make your own decisions. Your friends might say things that put you under pressure.

Here are some things you can say back to them to keep them quiet:

They say: "You haven't had sex because no one fancies you."
You say: "I haven't had sex because I'm not afraid of saying no", or "I'm waiting for the right person."

They say: "You'll get dumped if you don't do it soon."
You say: "We like each other for more than just sex."

They say: "We've all done it loads of times."
You say: "And Santa really climbs down the chimney every year."

They say: "You must be gay."
You say: "As if waiting for the right person means anything about my sexuality. Gay and straight people can wait for the right person", or "So what if I am?"

They say: "You'll get a reputation for being frigid."
You say: "Waiting for the right person makes me smart, not frigid."

If you want to talk to someone in confidence, you can call the Sexual Health Helpline on 0300 123 7123 (for under-25s).

Find out more about:

The 15 methods of contraception

Girls' bodies growing up

Boys' bodies growing up

How to say no