My homophobic bullying story

Comedy writer and performer, Doug Faulkner, faced homophobic bullying throughout secondary school.

Getting help

Find out where to get help for homophobic bullying

Because of his experience, he's passionate about tackling homophobic bullying in schools. He describes what happened to him.

How did the bullying start?

"I've always been an extrovert, and I was quite effeminate when I started secondary school. At the time, I considered it part of my personality and nothing to do with sex or sexuality. It was just who I was.

"Because I was very confident, the older kids wanted to put me down, and people in my own year group joined in.

"It started with homophobic name calling, such as 'backstabber' and 'shirt lifter'. The first time I heard the word 'gay' was in a hateful context, and I didn't even know what it meant. I just thought I was uncool.

"By the time I was in the third year, I was being bullied a lot. It was always homophobic bullying. It would happen on the way to school on the bus, between lessons, sometimes during lessons, and on the bus home. It wasn't just verbal abuse but physical abuse, too. Once, on the way home, my hair was set on fire.

"It took a lot of strength to get out of the house and face the bullying. Being ridiculed was part of my daily life.

"I was at the bottom of all my classes. My self-esteem was so low that I was almost suicidal. I didn't know who or where I was. All I knew was that nearly everyone had decided that I was loathsome, vile and unnatural."

'After about a year of counselling, I started to get a bit more confident'

Did the school do anything?

"I'm dyslexic, so my school made me do an IQ test in the third year. I had the highest IQ in my year, but I wasn't doing well academically because my self-confidence was so low. So the school sent me for counselling when I was 14.

"After counselling, my mum said to me: 'Do you think it upsets you so much when people call you names because you think what they're saying might be true?'

"I said to Mum: 'I'm 14. That's not a decision I'm prepared to make now. I have the right to experiment and find out about myself. But I'm not being given that right at school. They're telling me what I am, and that it's disgusting.'

"The counselling helped because it gave me a chance to express myself. After about a year or so of counselling I became more confident. I'd find different ways to try to stop the bullying, such as being the class clown or being nice to the right people."

How did the bullying make you feel?

"I'd get a sinking feeling. As soon as I walked along a corridor I knew it was going to happen. It happened a lot in certain areas, such as walking from class to class, or going to and from school.

"It gave me a victim mentality. I either loathed myself, or I loathed everybody else for making me feel like that.

"Leaving school after GCSEs was the only way out. During the five years after I left school, the culture towards homosexuality changed. I came out properly to my friends when I was 19, and to my family when I was 20."

Has your experience at school affected you in later life?

"On the negative side, I find it very difficult to have long-term relationships because it's difficult to trust people. I'm scared they're going to turn around and be hurtful.

"On the positive side, it's helped me understand how different we all are and how that difference makes us stronger.

"Everyone deserves to feel positive and unique, and happy with that uniqueness.

"I also respect people's need to have space to discover who they are, because I didn't have much space."

Where to find help for homophobic bullying

Schools have a legal duty to ensure that homophobic bullying is dealt with. Find out how to stop bullying, who to talk to, and about anti-bullying helplines and organisations.

For further information and advice about homophobic bullying, visit these charities' websites.

EACH
EACH is a charity for young people and adults affected by homophobia and transphobia. It has a telephone helpline for young people who are experiencing homophobic or transphobic bullying. You can call Actionline on 0808 1000 143 on weekdays, 9am to 5pm. Calls are free from landlines and most mobiles.

Stonewall: Education for All
Stonewall is a charity that campaigns for equal rights for lesbians, gay men and bisexual people. Their Education for All campaign tackles homophobia and homophobic bullying in schools across the UK. On the Education for All website, you can find case studies, facts and figures about homophobic bullying in schools, and advice for young people and teachers.

Schools Out
Schools Out is an organisation that works towards equality in education for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people. Find out more about your rights at school with the Schools Out student toolkit.

'My daughter was bullied'

When Maria's daughter moved to secondary school, she was bullied by a group of girls who had been her best friends at primary school.

Halfway through the school year, Maria* became aware that her daughter Sam* wasn't being invited to her friends' houses any more.

"She doesn't always tell me what's going on at school, but I noticed that she was biting her fingernails a lot and sleeping badly. She seemed quite upset.

"I talked to her about her friends and why they weren't meeting up. Eventually, she told me that they didn't get on any more. I found out that her old friends were excluding her.

"For example, when she bumped into them on the street, one of the girls said directly to her, 'This is the one we're not talking to any more'.

"They were also really nasty in the playground. They left her standing on her own. She was still trying to be friends with them, but they just ignored her. She was very upset."

Bullying incident

"Then I witnessed an incident one Saturday afternoon. Two of her old friends phoned her. They asked her if she'd started her periods. She said it was none of their business, but they kept her on the phone. She wasn't strong enough to end the conversation.

"They were laughing and shouting, 'We want to know, we want to know'. I was standing next to her, and felt disgusted. I felt really sorry for Sam. Afterwards, I thought of calling one of the girls' mums, but I decided not to because I thought it might make things worse.

"I was very upset because I used to spend a lot of time with these girls, but now they didn't think my daughter was good enough for them.

"I was worried about Sam because I thought it must be horrible to believe you've got really good friends and then they suddenly turn against you."

How Sam got help with bullying

"I told Sam that she should talk to Nicole, a learning mentor at her school. I knew that Sam liked Nicole, whose role was to sort out this kind of issue.

"Soon after, Nicole contacted me. Both she and Sam's form teacher had noticed that Sam was being bullied.

"I found out that she wasn't only being bullied by this group. Sam is half-Polish, and another girl was calling her a 'Polish sket' in class.

"The school intervened quickly. They cracked down on the racist comments and the use of the insult 'sket'. After that, the problem with that particular girl was completely resolved.

"Nicole, the learning mentor, also set up a friendship group to understand the dynamic in this circle of girls who'd all moved up from primary school together. She asked the bullies and a few other pupils to talk together about friendship, boyfriends, fashion, puberty and growing up. A lot was revealed.

"It seems that Sam's primary school friends got to know other girls at secondary school and became more interested in fashion, make-up and boyfriends. Because Sam was more childlike, they didn't want her in their group any more. She wasn't cool enough.

"Sam was different. I think that's often what bullying is based on. She has her own style and doesn't follow everyone else.

"Nicole had several chats with Sam, and helped to strengthen Sam's self-esteem. When she was picked on, Sam used to get quite upset and would try to defend herself, but now she's able to ignore it.

"When I spoke to Sam about the meetings with Nicole, I could see that things were improving. At home, I explained to her that friendships change, and primary school friends don't necessarily stay friends for life. I didn't want to suggest that Sam was the victim because that can make you feel weaker.

"Sam has finally found a new set of friends and is really happy with them. She's become more confident, and she no longer tries to be friends with girls who don't want to be friends with her."

*The names in this article have been changed.

Bullying: information and support for parents

To find out more about how you can help your child if they've been bullied, read Bullying: advice for parents.

How can I stop being a bully?

People who bully others often find it hard to ask for help. They may be worried they'll get into trouble with their teachers or they'll be bullied themselves.

Call ChildLine on 0800 1111

ChildLine is a helpline for young people and children. You can call at any time of day or night to talk about any worries you have.

It takes courage to stop being a bully. Just because you've started bullying doesn't mean you have to continue. Help with bullying isn't just available to people who've been bullied. Many anti-bullying support groups also help people who are involved in bullying themselves.

Talk to a parent, teacher or an older pupil who you get on well with. Your school should be able to help you. Some schools have peer support schemes, where older children are trained to help younger children deal with bullying. Peer support is also usually available to children and young people who say they're bullies.

If you're worried about being judged and don't want to speak to anyone you know, you can get help anonymously by contacting ChildLine. ChildLine advisers will listen to any child whatever the problem and give advice.

Why do people bully others?

There are many reasons why people bully others. It may be that they're unhappy and are taking it out on someone else. Many people who bully have low self-esteem, and bullying can be a way of coping with this. In some cases, people who bully are also being bullied themselves.

Others are encouraged to bully by their friends and do it because they don't want to be left out. Some people pick on others because they're looking for attention or because they're feeling jealous.

The BBC has an interactive guide to help you explore what bullying is: Am I a bully?.

What should you do if you see someone being bullied?

If you witness a bullying incident, it's important to do something. Don't just walk away and ignore it. You can tell the bullies to stop doing it as long as you're not afraid it will lead to a confrontation.

The best thing to do is talk to someone, such as a teacher, parent or friend. If you're worried about doing this, leave an anonymous note for the teacher explaining the situation. Then the teacher will at least be aware of what's going on.

Cyberbullying can be just as hurtful as other kinds of bullying. If you know it's happening, tell someone you trust. How people behave online should reflect how they behave face to face.

Where to find more information about bullying

ChildLine

ChildLine is a website and helpline for young people and children. You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 at any time of the day or night to talk about any worries you have. Phone calls are free from landlines and mobiles, and they won't appear on a phone bill.

You can also chat online to an adviser, or contact ChildLine by email or message board.

The ChildLine website has information and advice on bullying.

Bullying UK

Bullying UK offers extensive practical advice and information about bullying for young people, and its website has a section on bullying at school.

Coping with cyberbullying

Cyberbullying involves using technology to bully people. It can include texting, instant messaging, and posting on social media and gaming websites.

Advice on how to respond to cyberbullying

Coping with cyberbullying can be difficult because it can happen at any time of the day.

To make matters worse, bullying messages and images can be shared so they are seen by more people for longer than other kinds of bullying. And this kind of sharing can quickly get out of control.

What is cyberbullying?

Examples of cyberbullying include:

• emailing or texting threatening or nasty messages to people
• posting an embarrassing or humiliating video of someone on a video-hosting site such as YouTube
• harassing someone by repeatedly sending texts or instant messages through an app or in a chat room
• setting up profiles on social networking sites, such as Facebook, to make fun of someone
• "happy slapping" – when people use their mobiles to film and share videos of physical attacks
• posting or forwarding someone else's personal or private information or images without their permission – known as "sexting" when the content is sexually explicit
• sending viruses that can damage another person's computer
• making abusive comments about another user on a gaming site

Are you a cyberbully?

Even if you're not the one who started the bullying, you become part of it when you laugh at a message that could be hurtful or threatening to someone else, or forward it on.

Don't let yourself get dragged into cyberbullying. Think about the impact of what you say in instant messages, chat rooms and emails. Could your words be used to hurt someone else, or could they be turned against you?

In some cases, cyberbullying can be a criminal offence. For example, it could be treated as a form of harassment or threatening behaviour.

How to respond to cyberbullying

Do

• Talk to someone you trust. This could be a teacher, parent, carer or friend. Schools have a responsibility to ensure students aren't bullied, and they can take action even if the bullying is happening outside school. You can also call ChildLine confidentially on 0800 1111.
• Report the bullying to the internet service provider (ISP) if the bullying happened online. Ask a parent or teacher for help, or look at Chatdanger for safety advice about mobiles and internet use.
• Report the bullying to your mobile phone provider if you've received bullying texts or calls on your mobile. You may even have to change your number if you're repeatedly bullied.
• Block instant messages and emails. Ask a parent or teacher for help, or visit Chatdanger for advice on how to do this.
• Report serious bullying, such as physical or sexual threats, to the police.

Don't

• Don't delete the upsetting emails or messages. Keep the evidence. This will help to identify the bully if the bullying is anonymous. Even people who use a false name or email can be traced.
• Don't reply. This is what the bully wants, and it might make things worse.

How to avoid being cyberbullied

The best way to avoid being cyberbullied is to use the internet and mobile phones carefully.

• Don't give out personal details, such as your phone number or address.
• Think carefully before posting photos or videos of you or your friends online.
• Only give your mobile number to close friends.
• Protect passwords, and never give your friends access to your accounts.
• Use the privacy settings on social media.
• Don't forward nasty emails.
• Learn how to block instant messages or use mail filters to block emails.
• Know how to report bullying to social media sites, internet service providers or website administrators. Ask a parent or teacher for help, or look at the advice on Chatdanger.

Information and help with cyberbullying

Chatdanger

Chatdanger contains safety advice on mobiles, chatrooms, email, online games and instant messaging.

Digizen

Digizen focuses on responsible use of the internet. Its section on cyberbullying includes a short film called Let's fight it together, about how a boy deals with being cyberbullied.

Anti-bullying ambassadors

Anti-bullying ambassadors offers tips on how to stay safe online, including how to report abuse on social media sites and apps.

Bullying: the facts

Many children and young people experience bullying at school and outside of school – but they don't have to put up with it.

Almost 45,000 children talked to ChildLine about bullying in 2013. NSPCC figures suggest nearly half of children and young people (46%) have been bullied at school at some point in their lives.

Find out where to get help with bullying

If you're being bullied, you don't have to put up with it. There are many people and organisations that can help with bullying.

If you're concerned your child is being bullied, there are steps parents can take to deal with the bullying.

What is bullying?

Bullying can take many forms, from teasing and spreading rumours, to pushing someone around and causing physical harm. It often happens in front of other people.

Bullying includes name calling, mocking, kicking, taking or messing around with people's belongings, writing or drawing offensive graffiti, gossiping, excluding people from groups, and threatening others.

Why are people bullied?

Children and young people are bullied for all sorts of reasons. It can be because of your race, religion, appearance, sexual orientation, because you have a disability, or because of your home circumstances.

People are bullied for being black, white, fat, clever, gay, or red-haired. These are just a few examples. But sometimes you can be picked on for no reason.

Cyberbullying is increasingly common both inside and outside school. It is any form of bullying that involves the use of mobile phones or the internet.

Examples include sending offensive text messages and emails, circulating degrading images on the internet, or pretending to be someone else on social networking sites such as Facebook.

Find out more about cyberbullying and how to deal with it.

The effects of bullying

Bullying makes the lives of its victims miserable. It undermines their confidence and destroys their sense of security. It can also affect children and young people's attendance and progress at school.

Bullying can cause sadness, loneliness, low self-esteem, fear, anxiety, and poor concentration. It can lead to self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts and, in some cases, suicide.

And there's evidence that, for some people, being bullied regularly as a child can also be linked to emotional problems as an adult.

Help for parents and children

To find out where to get help with bullying, read:

• Bullying: how to stop it
• Bullying: advice for parents
• How can I stop being a bully?

Bullying: advice for parents

Knowing or suspecting that your child is being bullied can be very upsetting, but there's lots you can do to help tackle the problem.

Scroll down for a list of organisations that provide support and information for parents

Bullying is one of the biggest concerns for parents, according to Family Lives, a support organisation for parents.

If you find out or suspect your child is being bullied, there are things you can do to resolve the problem.

And you don't have to find all the answers on your own. There are a number of organisations, including Family Lives, that can give you help and advice – see Who can help with bullying?.

How do you know if your child is being bullied?

Sometimes children don't talk to their parents or carers about bullying because they don't want to upset them, or they think it will make the problem worse.

But if you suspect your child is being bullied, there are signs to look out for, according to the NSPCC. These include:

• coming home with damaged or missing clothes, without money they should have, or with scratches and bruises
• having trouble with homework for no apparent reason
• using a different route between home and school
• feeling irritable, easily upset or particularly emotional

Read more about spotting the signs of bullying on the NSPCC website.

Signs of cyberbullying include:

• being withdrawn or upset after texting or being online
• being unwilling to talk about what they're doing online or on their phone
• spending much more or much less time texting or online
• many new phone numbers, texts or email addresses show up on their phone, laptop or tablet

Find out more about the signs of cyberbullying (PDF, 185kb).

How to help your child if they are being bullied

If a child tells you they're being bullied, the first thing to do is listen. The NSPCC advises parents and carers to let children tell their story in their own words, and not to dismiss their experience as "just a part of growing up".

The NSPCC advises that you suggest your child keeps a diary of bullying incidents. It will help to have concrete facts to show the school, sports coach or club leader. The next step is to talk to the school or adult in charge of your child's club.

Talking to the school about bullying

To stop the bullying, it's essential for you or your child, or both of you, to talk to the school.

Think about who would be the best person to approach first. Discuss this with your child as there may be a particular teacher your child feels more at ease with.

Schools should do everything they can to prevent all kinds of bullying. The law says every school must have an anti-bullying policy, and you have the right to ask how your child's school deals with bullying.

Some schools run schemes such as peer mentoring, where certain children are trained to listen and help with problems.

Teachers can discipline children for bullying that happens off school premises. That could be on the bus, in the street or at the shops.

Read more information from Bullying UK on contacting your child's school about bullying.

Who can help with bullying?

All the organisations listed below provide support and information to parents.

Family Lives

Family Lives is a charity that runs a free and confidential 24-hour helpline for parents. Call 0808 800 2222 to speak about any parenting issue, including bullying.

Bullying UK

The Bullying UK website, which is part of Family Lives, has a dedicated area for parents.

Kidscape

Kidscape is an anti-bullying charity that runs assertiveness training courses for young people who've been bullied. There's extensive information for parents and carers on its website.

NSPCC

The NSPCC website has information for parents on bullying and cyberbullying.

Childnet International

Childnet International is a charity promoting the safe use of the internet by children. Its website has a wealth of detail, including information about bullying for parents and carers.

Contact a Family

Contact a Family provides advice, information and support to the parents of all disabled children throughout the UK. It also runs a free helpline (0808 808 3555).

Help from health services

Children can feel the impact of bullying even once it's ended. If they continue to feel anxious or low and it's stopping them getting on with day-to-day life, it may be time to ask for further help. You can speak to your GP or the school nurse about the problem.

Bullying: how to stop it

If you're being bullied, you may feel isolated or frightened. You may find it hard to make friends or talk to people your age. But you don't have to put up with bullying.

Find out who you can turn to for help

To stop the bullying, speak to someone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's the first step to resolving a situation that's not acceptable. Everyone has a right to feel safe at school, and the law says your school has to try to prevent all forms of bullying.

There are many people who will listen and help. Tell someone you trust, such as a parent, carer, teacher or friend. If you feel you can't talk directly to any of these people, write them a note or email them.

Sometimes people think talking to a teacher or parent will make things worse. If you're worried about this, call ChildLine in confidence on 0800 1111, explain the situation and ask for advice. ChildLine advisers will help any child or young person whatever the problem, and they won't judge you.

ChildLine also gives the following advice on its website:

• Stay away from anyone involved in bullying.
• Stay in a group of friends when you don't feel safe.
• Walk home with someone or get a lift.
• Ask your mates to look out for you.
• Try not to fight back, as you could get into trouble or get hurt.
• Don't reply to an abusive message.
• Keep a record and save any nasty messages you've received.
• Block the bully from contacting you or unfriend them on social media.
• Ask your school about its anti-bullying policy to find out what they should do about bullying.

Listed below are several helplines and organisations that can help you stop the bullying.

Who to contact for help with bullying

ChildLine

Call ChildLine in confidence on 0800 1111, explain the situation and ask for advice.

ChildLine 0800 1111

ChildLine is a helpline and website for young people and children. You can call ChildLine confidentially at any time of the day or night to talk about any worries. Calls are free from landlines and mobiles, and they won't appear on a phone bill. You can also chat online to an adviser or contact ChildLine by email or message board. ChildLine's website has a useful section on how to cope with bullying.

Bullybusters 0800 169 6928

Bullybusters operates a free anti-bullying helpline for anyone who's been affected by bullying. It also has a website and message board, with sections specifically for kids and young people.

Bullying UK 0808 800 2222

Bullying UK offers extensive practical advice and information about bullying for young people, and its website has a section on bullying at school.

Help for different types of bullying

Bullying related to race, religion or culture

ChildLine's website has a section on racism and what you can do if you encounter racist bullying.

Bullying of young people with a learning disability

Don't Stick it, Stop It! (PDF, 993kb), set up by Mencap, campaigns against the bullying of young people with learning disabilities.

Homophobic and transphobic bullying

EACH is a charity for young people and adults affected by homophobia and transphobia. It has a telephone helpline for young people who are experiencing homophobic or transphobic bullying. You can call the EACH actionline on 0808 1000 143 on weekdays, 9am to 5pm. Calls are free from landlines and most mobiles.

Stonewall is a charity that campaigns for equal rights for lesbians, gay men and bisexual people. Its Education for All campaign tackles homophobia and homophobic bullying in schools across the UK. On the Education for All website you can find case studies and facts and figures about homophobic bullying in schools, as well as advice for young people and teachers.

Bullying of young carers

A Carers Trust survey in 2013 found a quarter of the young adult carers they spoke to had been bullied at school because of their caring role.

Babble is an online community for young carers (aged under 18) run by the Carers Trust. You can also ask questions and get advice online.

Matter is the Carers Trust online community for young adult carers aged 16 to 25 and has an info and advice section.

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying uses technology to bully people. Find out how to deal with cyberbullying.

More information

This isn't a full list. You can find many more anti-bullying organisations on the Anti-Bullying Alliance website, which contains all the important sources of anti-bullying information and support. Remember, you can call ChildLine in confidence on 0800 1111 to talk about any type of bullying.

Getting your confidence back after bullying

Being bullied can dent anyone's confidence, but there are tips you can follow to feel better about yourself.

Listed below are organisations that offer advice for children and young people on ways to boost how well you cope with difficult situations.

• ChildLine: how to build your confidence and self-esteem
• ChildLine: standing up for yourself
• The Site: five ways to build your self-esteem

Talking to children about feelings

If you're worried about a child, encouraging them to talk can be very helpful, whether you're a parent, grandparent, friend or teacher.

If you think a child you know has a problem, it can be hard to know how to start talking to them about it.

When there are problems at home, such as parents fighting, divorce or a death in the family, children can become withdrawn and upset.

Being able to talk to someone other than a parent is sometimes very helpful for children. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, teachers or even a counsellor can all offer support.

Look for clues in their play

Children express themselves through play as well as words. You can learn a lot about how they're feeling by simply spending time with them and watching them play.

Stressed and upset children often play fighting games with their toys. Comment on this by saying, "There are a lot of fights going on" or "It seems pretty frightening". This can help to get them talking about what's bothering them.

Even if you don't start a conversation, you'll be making the child feel more comfortable with you, paving the way for them to open up to you about their problems.

If you can get them talking, gently ask what's wrong. But if the child doesn't want to open up, let the subject go, then repeat the process at another time until they're ready to tell you what's bothering them.

If a child is too frightened to talk

If you're worried that a child you know might be being abused at home, it can help to ask a question like, "Is mummy getting very cross with you? You can tell me about it if you want to".

A child might not understand that they're being abused. They may simply see it as a parent being angry or annoyed with them.

Children who are being sexually abused often don't talk about it because they think it's their fault or they have been convinced by their abuser that it is normal or a "special secret".

See more signs of child sexual abuse.

Children will often ask if you're going to tell anyone about what they've told you. Never promise not to tell, but explain that you'll only tell other people who want to help.

If you suspect abuse, encourage them to call ChildLine (0800 1111) or ring the NSPCC yourself (0808 800 5000) and get advice about how to report it.

'Children are aware that they're behaving badly. It’s important to find out why, and reinforce the message that it's unacceptable'

If a child is aggressive or misbehaving

If a child is fighting or being aggressive, they're doing it for a good reason, and talking may help you discover the reason.

Start by telling the child that their bad behaviour is unacceptable and why – for example, because it will harm other people or get them into trouble. Then offer them the chance to talk about why they're angry.

This might not work instantly because an angry child might not listen to you straight away. Don't give up. Children are aware when they're behaving badly, and it's important to find out the reasons why.

See more tips on dealing with child anger.

If your child is grieving

Young children don't always understand what death means. It helps to explain it by saying, "Nana's died. She's not going to be with us any more".

Watch children carefully if someone close to them has died. If they seem tearful or withdrawn, encourage them to open up about how they're feeling by talking about the person who's died.

You could say something like, "It's very sad that Nana has died" or "I feel sad that Nana has died, and sometimes it's hard to understand why people die".

See more about children and bereavement.

If you're still worried about your child

If you are still concerned about your child after talking to them, see your GP for further advice.

See some tips on talking to teenagers.