Bereavement and young people

Losing someone important to you is one of the hardest things to experience in life. If you're young, bereavement can be even more difficult. But support and advice are available to help you get through it.

Your teenage years can be a lot of fun, but they are also often an emotional time. If someone close to you dies, it can be incredibly hard. Your world may feel as though it has crashed around you.

It can make you feel very alone, especially as a young person, because you might find that none of your friends has gone through anything similar and won't understand or know what to say.

Your emotions after a bereavement

Grieving is a natural part of recovering from a bereavement, and everyone's experience of grief is different. There are no rules about what we should feel, and for how long.

But many people find they feel a mixture of the following:

• sadness
• shock, particularly if the death was unexpected
• relief, if the death followed a long period of illness
• guilt and regret
• anger
• anxiety
• despair and helplessness
• depression

These feelings may be very intense, particularly in the early days and weeks. Time eventually helps these intense emotions subside, and there's no need to feel guilty about starting to feel better. It doesn't mean you're not respecting the person's memory or forgetting about them.

There are several things that can help you start to feel better. Looking after your health and talking to someone will help you get through this difficult time.

Finding support for bereavement

Talking about your grief is an important part of getting through a bereavement. Choosing who to talk to about your feelings is a very personal decision. Sometimes the most unlikely person can actually offer the most support.

If you've lost a family member, someone else in your family may also be good to open up to because they're likely to understand how you're feeling.

A close friend can be a good listener and a source of comfort and support, even if they haven't gone through this themselves.

There are lots of other sources of advice and support available, including:

• websites and blogs – such as Hope Again, a website for young people going through a bereavement, where you can find information, read other people's experiences, and add your own; the Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement Charity websites also offer information and advice
• helplines – such as the Cruse Bereavement young people's helpline on 0844 477 9400
• your GP – especially if you're concerned you're not coping, might be depressed, have trouble eating or sleeping, are thinking about hurting yourself, or you're not starting to feel better after a few months: they may suggest you have counselling
• a teacher or tutor – you may be distracted or find it hard to concentrate at school or college for a while, so talking to a teacher you feel comfortable with can help them understand what you're going through and take a bit of pressure off you; special circumstances, such as bereavement, can sometimes be taken into account if you're having trouble with coursework or exams

Looking after yourself during a bereavement

During a time of grief you may not feel like looking after yourself, but it's important to help you cope with the extreme emotions that come with bereavement.

Some of the following quite simple things can make a big difference, such as:

• eating – you may lose your appetite, but try to keep eating as normally as possible: your body needs food, even if you don't want it; ideally, go for healthy, well-balanced meals
• sleeping – it can be hard to sleep when you're very upset, but there are some things that can help: read 10 tips to beat insomnia for more information
• socialising – seeing your friends and keeping up a normal social life may help take your mind off things and allow you to talk about how you're doing, if you want to; but don't feel guilty about not thinking about the person you've lost or having a good laugh with friends
• exercising – regular exercise can make you feel good and help you sleep (but avoid doing vigorous exercise close to bedtime); it can also be a relief to focus on something physical when you're going through an emotional time
• avoiding smoking, drinking and taking drugs – you may feel like smoking or drinking because you feel down, but your body has to work hard to deal with substances such as nicotine, alcohol or illegal drugs, especially when you're young, and they'll end up making you feel worse

Dealing with grief and loss

Scroll down to watch a video on coping with the loss of a parent.

Most people grieve when they lose something or someone important to them.

The way grief affects you depends on lots of things, including what kind of loss you have suffered, your upbringing, your beliefs or religion, your age, your relationships, and your physical and mental health.

How does grief affect you?

People react in different ways to loss. Anxiety and helplessness often come first. Anger is also common, including feeling angry at someone who has died for "leaving you behind". Sadness often comes later.

Feelings like these are a natural part of the grieving process. Knowing that they are common may help them seem more normal. It's also important to know that they will pass.

Some people take a lot longer than others to recover. Some need help from a counsellor or therapist or their GP.

But you will eventually come to terms with your loss, and the intense feelings will subside.

How to cope with grief and loss

There's no instant fix. You might feel affected every day for about a year to 18 months after a major loss. But after this time the grief is less likely to be at the forefront of your mind.

There are practical things you can do to get through a time of bereavement or loss:

• Express yourself. Talking is often a good way to soothe painful emotions. Talking to a friend, family member, health professional or counsellor can begin the healing process.
• Allow yourself to feel sad. It's a healthy part of the grieving process.
• Keep your routine up. Keeping up simple things like walking the dog can help.
• Sleep. Emotional strain can make you very tired. If you're having trouble sleeping, see your GP.
• Eat healthily. A healthy, well-balanced diet will help you cope.
• Avoid things that "numb" the pain, such as alcohol. It will make you feel worse once the numbness wears off.
• Go to counselling if it feels right for you – but perhaps not straight away. Counselling may be more useful after a couple of weeks or months. Only you will know when you're ready.

Grieving when you have children

When you have children, you may not want to show your feelings. Sometimes this is a good thing. For example, showing anger towards their other parent during a separation can be painful for a child to see.

Reassure your child that the separation isn't their fault. Keep their routine as normal as possible, and tell them what's happening so they're less confused by it all.

However, if both parents are grieving for a loved one, it's sometimes good for children to see that it's normal to sometimes feel sad and cry.

Pay attention if your child wants to share their feelings, whether it's through talking, drawing or games. Children need to feel they are listened to, so include them in decisions and events if it feels right.

When to get help

Get help if any of the following apply to you:

• You don't feel able to cope with overwhelming emotions or daily life.
• The intense emotions aren't subsiding.
• You're not sleeping.
• You have symptoms of depression or anxiety.
• Your relationships are suffering.
• You're having sexual problems.
• You're becoming accident-prone.
• You're caring for someone who isn't coping well.

Your GP is a good place to start. They can give you advice about other support services, refer you to a counsellor, or prescribe medication if needed.

Or you can contact support organisations directly, such as Cruse Bereavement Care (0808 808 1677) or Samaritans (116 123).

Children and bereavement

The following information could help if your child has lost a loved one or if a loved one is dying.

If your child has a loved one who's dying

Watch a video about the death of a sibling

If a child has a loved one who is going to die, they can benefit from special support.

Counselling before the loved one dies

Sarah Smith, bereavement counsellor at London's Trinity Hospice, says: "Hospices offer pre-bereavement care to help patients and their family in the run-up to the end of life.

"We especially encourage this for children because children's stress levels are at their highest before bereavement because of fear and the unknown."

Pre-bereavement counselling gives the child a chance to think and talk about their feelings and share their worries.

Making a memory box with the child

If you're a parent and you know you're going to die, Sarah suggests thinking about making a memory box to give to your child, or making one together.

This is a box containing things that remind you both of your time together. It can provide an important link between you and your child once you've gone.

Macmillan Cancer Support has information about making a memory box.

If a child has lost a loved one

Cruse Bereavement Care helpline: 0844 477 9400

Talk about the person who has died

During bereavement, it can help a child to talk about the person who has died, whether it was a grandparent, parent, brother, sister or friend.

"Sharing and talking about emotions and about the person is important, especially for children," says Sarah.

"If they have lost a loved one, it's important to have someone with whom they can talk about that person. It could be through photos, games, memory boxes or stories."

There are also bereavement charities that offer helplines, email support, and online communities and message boards for children.

These include:

• Child Bereavement UK – 0800 028 8840 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm, or email support@childbereavement.org
• Hope Again – 0808 808 1677 Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5pm, or email hopeagain@cruse.org.uk
• Winston's Wish – 0808 802 0021 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm

Make a memory box

If the person who has died didn't leave a memory box, Sarah suggests making one with your child.

It can include:

• gifts
• shells collected on the beach
• memories written on a card
• anything that makes the child feel connected to that person

Find out more about children and bereavement on the Childhood Bereavement Network.

Child Bereavement UK has useful information sheets about children and bereavement, including how children grieve and children's understanding of death at different ages.

The Cruse Bereavement Care helpline, for adults as well as young people, is on 0808 808 1677.

Coping with bereavement

The death of a loved one can be devastating. Bereavement counsellor Sarah Smith describes some of the feelings that can arise from losing someone, and where you can go for help and support.

Watch a video about coping with the sudden death of a loved one

Bereavement affects people in different ways. There's no right or wrong way to feel.

"You might feel a lot of emotions at once, or feel you're having a good day, then you wake up and feel worse again," says Sarah, who works at Trinity Hospice in London.

She says powerful feelings can come unexpectedly. "It's like waves on a beach. You can be standing in water up to your knees and feel you can cope, then suddenly a big wave comes and knocks you off your feet."

Stages of bereavement or grief

Experts generally accept there are four stages of bereavement:

• accepting that your loss is real
• experiencing the pain of grief
• adjusting to life without the person who has died
• putting less emotional energy into grieving and putting it into something new – in other words, moving on

You'll probably go through all these stages, but you won't necessarily move smoothly from one to the next. Your grief might feel chaotic and out of control, but these feelings will eventually become less intense.

Feelings of grief

Give yourself time – these feelings will pass. You might feel:

• shock and numbness – this is usually the first reaction to the death, and people often speak of being in a daze
• overwhelming sadness, with lots of crying
• tiredness or exhaustion
• anger – for example, towards the person who died, their illness, or God
• guilt – for example, guilt about feeling angry, about something you said or didn't say, or about not being able to stop your loved one dying

"These feelings are all perfectly normal," says Sarah. "The negative feelings don't make you a bad person. Lots of people feel guilty about their anger, but it's OK to be angry and to question why."

She adds some people become forgetful and less able to concentrate. You might lose things, such as your keys. This is because your mind is distracted by bereavement and grief, says Sarah. You're not losing your sanity.

The GOV.UK website has information on what to do after someone dies, such as registering the death and planning a funeral.

Coping with grief

Talking and sharing your feelings with someone can help. Don't go through this alone. For some people, relying on family and friends is the best way to cope.

If you don't feel you can talk to them much – perhaps you aren't close, or they're grieving, too – you can contact local bereavement services through:

• your local hospice
• the national Cruse helpline on 0808 808 1677
• your GP

Find local bereavement support services listed on the Cruse website.

A bereavement counsellor can give you time and space to talk about your feelings, including the person who has died, your relationship, family, work, fears and the future.

You can have access to a bereavement counsellor at any time, even if the person you lost died a long time ago.

Talking about the person who has died

Don't be afraid to talk about the person who has died. People in your life might not mention their name because they don't want to upset you. But if you feel you can't talk to them, it can make you feel isolated.

Anniversaries and special occasions can be hard. Sarah suggests doing whatever you need to do to get through the day. This might be taking a day off work or doing something that reminds you of that person, such as taking a favourite walk.

If you need help to move on

Each bereavement is unique, and you can't tell how long it will last. "In general, the death and the person might not constantly be at the forefront of your mind after around 18 months," says Sarah. This period may be shorter or longer for some people, which is normal.

Your GP or a bereavement counsellor can help if you feel you're not coping. Some people also get support from a religious minister.

You might need help if:

• you can't get out of bed
• you neglect yourself or your family – for example, you don't eat properly
• you feel you can't go on without the person you've lost
• the emotion is so intense it's affecting the rest of your life – for example, you can't face going to work or you're taking your anger out on someone else

These feelings are normal – as long as they don't last for a long time. "The time to get help depends on the person," says Sarah.

"If these things last for a period that you feel is too long or your family say they're worried, that's the time to seek help. Your GP can refer you, and they can monitor your general health."

Some people turn to alcohol or drugs during difficult times. Get help cutting down on alcohol, or see the Frank website for information on drugs.

Counselling if someone is dying

If someone has an incurable illness, they and their loved ones can prepare for bereavement.

"Practical things can help, such as discussing funeral arrangements together and making a will," says Sarah.

Bereavement counsellors also offer pre-bereavement care, helping patients and their family cope with their feelings.

This can be especially important for children, Sarah explains. "Children's stress levels are at their highest before their family member dies, so support during this time is important."

Find out more about children and bereavement from the Childhood Bereavement Network.