Spotting signs of child sexual abuse

One in 20 children in the UK will experience child sexual abuse. Here are the signs to be aware of and what to do if you suspect a child is being sexually abused.

What is child sexual abuse?

What are the signs that a child is being abused?

How do I report child sexual abuse?

Who commits child sexual abuse?

Which children are at risk of child sexual abuse?

What are the effects of child sexual abuse?

What is child sexual abuse?

Child sexual abuse is illegal in the UK and covers a range of sexual activities, including:

• possessing images of child pornography
• forcing a child to strip or masturbate
• engaging in any kind of sexual activity in front of a child, including watching pornography
• taking, downloading, viewing or distributing sexual images of children
• encouraging a child to perform sexual acts in front of a webcam
• not taking measures to protect a child from witnessing sexual activity or images
• inappropriate sexual touching of a child, whether clothed or unclothed
• penetrative sex

Both boys and girls can be victims of sexual abuse, but girls are six times more likely to be abused.

What are the signs that a child is being sexually abused?

Children often don't talk about sexual abuse because they think it is their fault or they have been convinced by their abuser that it is normal or a "special secret".

Children may also be bribed or threatened by their abuser, or told they won't be believed.

A child who is being sexually abused may care for their abuser and worry about getting them into trouble.

Here are some of the signs you may notice:

Changes in behaviour – a child may start being aggressive, withdrawn, clingy, have difficulties sleeping or start wetting the bed.

Avoiding the abuser – the child may dislike or seem afraid of a particular person and try to avoid spending time alone with them.

Sexually inappropriate behaviour – children who have been abused may behave in sexually inappropriate ways or use sexually explicit language.

Physical problems – the child may develop health problems, including soreness in the genital and anal areas or sexually transmitted infections, or they may become pregnant.

Problems at school – an abused child may have difficulty concentrating and learning, and their grades may start to drop.

Giving clues – children may also drop hints and clues that the abuse is happening without revealing it outright.

How do I report child sexual abuse?

It's best not to delay if you suspect a child is being sexually abused.

You can talk directly to the police or your local children's social services and this can be anonymous. You can also get advice or report your concerns anonymously to the NSPCC by phoning their free helpline on 0808 800 5000. Or you can report sexual abuse to the NSPCC via email or online.

If you are a health professional and suspect a child you are caring for is experiencing abuse or is at risk of abuse, you can seek advice from the "named nurse" or "named doctor" in your hospital or care setting.

The NSPCC has more information and advice about child sexual abuse.

If you are concerned about your own thoughts or behaviour towards children, you can phone Stop It Now! in confidence on 0808 1000 900 or email help@stopitnow.org.uk.

If you are a child and someone is sexually abusing you, you can get help and advice from ChildLine – phone 0800 1111, calls are free and confidential.

Who commits child sexual abuse?

Child sexual exploitation

Drink spiking and date rape drugs

Every year in the UK, hundreds of people are thought to be victims of drink spiking, where alcohol or drugs are added to someone's drink without them knowing. In some cases, so-called 'date rape drugs' may be used to spike a drink before a sexual assault.

Many more incidents happen abroad or go unreported due to embarrassment or memory loss.

Read on or go straight to:

Tips on avoiding drink spiking

What to do if you think your drink has been spiked

What to do if you've been sexually assaulted following drink spiking

Is drink spiking illegal?

Who is at risk from spiked drinks?

Drink spiking can occur anywhere that drinks are available, including pubs, nightclubs, house parties, restaurants and at home.

It’s not only women who are targeted. In 2012, Essex Police reported that 11% of drink spiking incidents involved men.

Drink spiking may be done with the intent of stealing from the victim, assaulting the victim or as a prank.

Whatever the reason, drink spiking is illegal and can result in a maximum of 10 years in prison for anyone who is found guilty.

If an assault, rape or robbery has also taken place, the sentence will be even higher.

Sexual assault is an act that is carried out without the victim’s active consent. This means they didn’t agree to it, even if they have taken drugs or alcohol voluntarily. Read more about rape and sexual assault.

What substances are used to spike drinks?

Alcohol is the most common substance used to spike drinks.

It can be added to a soft (non-alcoholic) drink without you knowing, or double measures can be used instead of singles.

Drugs used in drink spiking are often referred to as "date rape drugs", although they are not always used for sexual assault.

Some examples of drugs that have reportedly been used for drink spiking include:

• gamma-hydroxybutyrate (GHB) and gamma-butyrolactone (GBL)
• tranquillisers, most often benzodiazepines, including Valium (diazepam) and Rohypnol
• ketamine

Date rape drugs are particularly dangerous when mixed with alcohol, because they combine to have a very powerful anaesthetic effect. In extreme cases, it can lead to a coma or even death.

Date rape drugs may come in powder, tablet or liquid form, and don’t always have an unusual taste or smell.

See the A-Z of drugs on the Talk to Frank website for more information about illegal substances and their effects.

How do I know if my drink has been spiked?

Most date rape drugs take effect within 15-30 minutes and symptoms usually last for several hours. However, if you pass out it will be hard to know the full effect. You may still feel some of the symptoms of a date rape drug after a night’s sleep.

Although your symptoms will depend on which substance has been used, they usually include some of the following:

• lowered inhibitions
• difficulty concentrating or speaking
• loss of balance and finding it hard to move
• visual problems, particularly blurred vision
• memory loss (amnesia) or "blackouts"
• feeling confused or disorientated, particularly after waking up (if you've been asleep)
• paranoia (a feeling of fear or distrust of others)
• hallucinations (seeing, hearing or touching things that aren't there) or having an "out of body" experience
• nausea and vomiting
• unconsciousness

How to avoid drink spiking

If your drink has been spiked, it's unlikely that you will see, smell or taste any difference. Some drugs, such as GHB, may taste slightly salty or smell unusual.

If you start to feel strange or more drunk than you should be, get help immediately.

Binge drinking, where you drink lots of alcohol in a short space of time, can increase the risk of having your drink spiked or being the victim of a sexual assault.

Try to avoid drinking too much alcohol, especially in unfamiliar situations. You could lose control, make risky decisions and become less aware of danger.

The following steps may also help prevent drink spiking:

• Never leave your drink unattended and keep an eye on your friends' drinks.
• Don't accept a drink from someone you don't know.
• Consider sticking to bottled drinks and avoiding punch bowls or jugs of cocktails.
• Don't give out your address to someone you've just met.
• If you think your drink has been tampered with, don't drink it – tell a trusted friend or relative immediately.
• Before going out, let someone know where you're going and what time you expect to be home.
• Make plans for your journey home.
• Avoid taking expensive equipment with you or anything that could be a target for thieves.
• If you are travelling abroad, be aware of the local area and where you can find help.

Some bars provide plastic stopper devices, such as lids to put on bottles, which can reduce the risk of your drink being spiked. However, these stoppers won't stop you consuming a drink that has been spiked with additional alcohol.

They may also provide kits to test your drink, but these don’t test for every kind of drug and often don't work.

What should I do if I think my drink has been spiked?

First, tell someone you completely trust, such as:

• a close friend
• a relative
• a medical professional
• the police

If you aren't with anyone, call someone you trust and get to a safe place. Ask to use a phone if yours has been stolen.

If you need urgent help, call 999. Be wary of accepting help from a stranger and don’t leave with someone you don’t know.

If you feel unwell, someone you trust should take you to your nearest accident and emergency (A&E) department. Tell the medical staff that you think your drink has been spiked.

Arrange for a trusted friend or relative to take you home and stay with you until the drugs have fully left your system.

Report it to the police as soon as you can. They may ask you to provide blood and urine samples.

Most drugs leave the body within 72 hours of being taken (the date rape drug GHB leaves the body within 12 hours), so it's important to be tested as soon as possible.

If you are abroad, get help from a travel representative, local medical services or ask a bar or hotel manager to call local police. You can also find contact details for the British Embassy, High Commission or Consulate on GOV.UK.

Physical assault and robbery following a spiked drink

If you have been physically assaulted, robbed, or both, you should report this to the police. They will want any information you have about your attackers, such as:

• if you knew them
• what they looked like
• the circumstances that led to the attack
• what happened during the attack
• what was taken

The police will need to keep a record of your injuries, and you may need to receive medical treatment.

If you've been sexually assaulted following drink spiking

Find your nearest sexual assault referral centre

If you have been sexually assaulted, you should get medical attention as soon as possible. You may need tests to determine whether you have any sexually transmitted infections (STIs), or whether you are pregnant.

You don't have to report an attack to the police immediately if you don't want to.

You can contact any of the following places for advice, treatment or referral to a specialist service (such as a forensic examination):

• a sexual assault referral centre; find your nearest sexual assault referral centre
• a doctor or practice nurse at your GP surgery
• a voluntary organisation, such as Rape Crisis
• the Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre national freephone helpline on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year)
• a hospital accident and emergency (A&E) department
• a genitourinary medicine (GUM) or sexual health clinic
• a contraceptive clinic
• a young people’s service
• NHS 111

Any forensic evidence that is obtained during tests can be stored while you decide whether to report the attack to the police.

Read how to get help after rape and sexual assault.

How to spot child sexual exploitation

Each year in England thousands of children and young people are raped or sexually abused. This includes children who have been abducted and trafficked, or beaten, threatened or bribed into having sex.

Media coverage of police investigations into the crimes of Jimmy Savile and other prominent figures have brought child sexual abuse and exploitation to public attention.

But while police tackle the problem, child sexual exploitation continues to happen every day. It's important to understand what child sexual exploitation is and to be aware of warning signs that may indicate a child you know is being exploited.

The age of consent

What is child sexual exploitation?

Before explaining child sexual exploitation, it is helpful to understand what is meant by the age of consent (the age at which it is legal to have sex). This is 16 for everyone in the UK. Under the age of 16, any sort of sexual touching is illegal.

It is illegal to take, show or distribute indecent photographs of children, or to pay or arrange for sexual services from children.

It is also against the law if someone in a position of trust (such as a teacher) has sex with a person under 18 that they have responsibility for.

Child sexual exploitation is when people use the power they have over young people to sexually abuse them. Their power may result from a difference in age, gender, intellect, strength, money or other resources.

People often think of child sexual exploitation in terms of serious organised crime, but it also covers abuse in relationships and may involve informal exchanges of sex for something a child wants or needs, such as accommodation, gifts, cigarettes or attention. Some children are "groomed" through "boyfriends" who then force the child or young person into having sex with friends or associates.

Sexual abuse covers penetrative sexual acts, sexual touching, masturbation and the misuse of sexual images – such as on the internet or by mobile phone.

Part of the challenge of tackling child sexual exploitation is that the children and young people involved may not understand that non-consensual sex (sex they haven't agreed to) or forced sex – including oral sex – is rape.

Which children are affected?

Any child or young person can be a victim of sexual exploitation, but children are believed to be at greater risk of being sexually exploited if they:

• are homeless
• have feelings of low self-esteem
• have had a recent bereavement or loss
• are in care
• are a young carer

However, there are many more ways that a child may be vulnerable to sexual exploitation, and these are outlined in a report by the Office of the Children’s Commissioner.

The signs of child sexual exploitation may be hard to spot, particularly if a child is being threatened. To make sure that children are protected, it’s worth being aware of the signs that might suggest a child is being sexually exploited.

Signs of grooming and child sexual exploitation

Signs of child sexual exploitation include the child or young person:

• going missing for periods of time or regularly returning home late
• skipping school or being disruptive in class
• appearing with unexplained gifts or possessions that can’t be accounted for
• experiencing health problems that may indicate a sexually transmitted infection
• having mood swings and changes in temperament
• using drugs and/or alcohol
• displaying inappropriate sexualised behaviour, such as over-familiarity with strangers, dressing in a sexualised manner or sending sexualised images by mobile phone ("sexting")
• they may also show signs of unexplained physical harm, such as bruising and cigarette burns

Preventing abuse

The NSPCC offers advice on how to protect children. It advises:

• helping children to understand their bodies and sex in a way that is appropriate for their age
• developing an open and trusting relationship, so they feel they can talk to you about anything
• explaining the difference between safe secrets (such as a surprise party) and unsafe secrets (things that make them unhappy or uncomfortable)
• teaching children to respect family boundaries, such as privacy in sleeping, dressing and bathing
• teaching them self-respect and how to say no
• supervising internet, mobile and television use

Who is sexually exploiting children?

People of all backgrounds and ethnicities, and of many different ages, are involved in sexually exploiting children. Although most are male, women can also be involved in sexually exploiting children. For instance, women will sometimes be involved through befriending victims.

Criminals can be hard to identify because the victims are often only given nicknames, rather than the real name of the abuser.

Some children and young people are sexually exploited by criminal gangs specifically set up for child sexual exploitation.

What to do if you suspect a child is being sexually exploited

If you suspect that a child or young person has been or is being sexually exploited, the NSPCC recommends that you do not confront the alleged abuser. Confronting them may place the child in greater physical danger and may give the abuser time to confuse or threaten them into silence.

Instead, seek professional advice. Discuss your concerns with your local authority's children’s services (safeguarding team), the police or an independent organisation, such as the NSPCC. They may be able to advise on how to prevent further abuse and how to talk to your child to get an understanding of the situation.

If you know for certain that a child has been or is being sexually exploited, report this directly to the police.

What health professionals can do to help exploited children

One of the best ways that health professionals can help a child who is at risk of sexual exploitation is to be aware of what to look out for. The Department of Health, together with Brook, has produced an online course, Combating CSE, which is designed for health professionals to help them identify children who are at risk of or have been sexually abused.

Revised guidance for professionals who come into contact with children was published by the Department for Education in March 2015, to help practitioners identify child abuse and neglect, and take appropriate action.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) has updated its guidance on when to suspect child maltreatment.

How common is child sexual exploitation?

The Office of the Children’s Commissioner (OCC) estimates that between August 2010 and October 2011, around 2,409 children were confirmed as having been sexually exploited, with a further 16,500 being identified as at risk. However, the OCC says that evidence suggests the number is far greater.

Domestic abuse against men

Find out about domestic abuse (or domestic violence), and where to get support if it’s happening to you.

For help and support, call the Men's Advice Line free on 0808 801 0327 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm, or email info@mensadviceline.org.uk

Domestic abuse, also called domestic violence, includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse in couple relationships or between family members.

Anybody can be affected by domestic abuse, and anyone can be an abuser. It doesn't just happen to women – men can be victims too, whether their partner is a man or a woman.

According to data from the Crime Survey for England and Wales, at least 4% of men aged 16-59 experienced domestic abuse in 2014/15.

If it's happening to you, it's important to tell someone and to remember that you're not alone.

The Men's Advice Line (call 0808 801 0327 Monday-Friday 9am-5pm; or email info@mensadviceline.org.uk) can refer men to local places that can help, such as health services and voluntary organisations.

Talking to someone

It can be difficult for men to say they need help, and to know where to go once they've decided to talk to someone.

"Men can be reluctant to say that they are victims, and they worry that they won't be believed," says Ippo Panteloudakis, who manages the Men's Advice Line.

"What I'd say to these men is: there's more help out there than you think. The key is to talk to someone."

Find out where to go for help.

Domestic abuse is very serious, whether it happens to men or women. Don't feel that you have to put up with it.

How do I know if I am experiencing abuse?

There are different kinds of abuse.

Emotional abuse

The person abusing you may:

• belittle you, or put you down
• blame you for the abuse or for arguments
• deny that abuse is happening, or play it down
• isolate you from your family and friends
• make unreasonable demands for your attention

Threats and intimidation

The person abusing you may:

• threaten to hurt you or kill you
• destroy things that belong to you
• stand over you, invade your personal space
• threaten to kill themselves, and/or the children
• read your emails, texts or letters
• harass or follow you

Physical abuse

The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways. These could include:

• slapping, hitting or punching
• pushing or shoving
• biting, kicking
• burning you
• choking you
• throwing things
• holding you down

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, whether they're male or female. The person abusing you may:

• touch you in a way you don’t want to be touched
• make unwanted sexual demands
• hurt you during sex
• pressure you to have sex
• pressure you to have unsafe sex (for example, not using a condom)

Your partner may also accuse you of flirting or cheating on them. If you ever feel scared of your partner, or you have changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do, you could be in an abusive relationship.

"As well as talking to someone when you realise you're in an abusive relationship, try to gather evidence about what's happening," says Ippo. This could include taking photographs of any injuries or bruises, and reporting it to your doctor. "You could also keep a diary of what happens, and the story of the abuse will show."

Try not to respond with violence. "Violence breeds more violence, and if you retaliate then this can make the abuser's violence worse," advises Ippo. "There's also the risk that they will call the police, and you will be seen as the abuser."

Help for men who've experienced domestic abuse

You don't have to wait for an emergency situation to get help. You can:

• talk to your doctor
• call Men's Advice Line free on 0808 801 0327 (Monday-Friday 9am-5pm), or get in touch via web-chat (same hours as the helpline) or email info@mensadviceline.org.uk
• in an emergency, call 999

The Men's Advice Line is a confidential, freephone helpline for men who have experienced, or are experiencing, domestic abuse from their partners or ex-partners. It's available to all men in the UK.

The Men's Advice Line staff are trained to listen and look at ways of helping you. These might include:

• providing information and practical advice
• giving you time to talk through what's happening
• signposting you to other specialist organisations, such as domestic violence units; mental health organisations; emotional support services; services for gay, bisexual and trans (GBT) men; and organisations providing immigration, housing and legal advice; parenting advice and support; and help with child contact issues

Forced marriage happens to men as well as women. For forced marriage and "honour" crimes, contact Karma Nirvarna (0800 5999 247) or The Forced Marriage Unit (020 7008 0151).

Galup (0800 999 5428) provides support to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people experiencing domestic violence.

Survivors UK (0845 122 1201) helps the survivors of male rape and sexual abuse.

If you decide to leave

The first step in escaping an abusive situation is realising that you're not alone and it's not your fault. Try to get advice from an organisation such as the Men's Advice Line before you go.

If you're considering leaving, be careful who you tell. It's important that your partner doesn't know where you're going.

Sexual assault

Men who have been sexually assaulted can get confidential help, treatment and support at a sexual assault referral centre. Find your nearest sexual assault referral centre.

Is your teenager in an abusive relationship?

Violence can happen in teenage relationships, so make sure you know the signs and can help your child.

Learn more about signs of abuse at Spot teen abuse

Abuse in relationships – including those between teenagers – can happen to men and boys, but it's much more likely to happen to women and girls. It also happens in same-sex relationships.

Different types of abuse

Physical abuse can include hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, pushing, and pressuring or forcing someone into sexual activity.

Emotional and verbal abuse involves a person:

• saying things that make their partner feel small or stupid
• pressuring their partner to do things they don't want to do, including sexual things
• checking up on their partner – for instance, by text – all the time to find out where they are and who they're with
• threatening to hurt their partner or someone close to their partner, including pets

For help and support call the Parentline Plus helpline on 0808 800 2222

Warning signs your teen is being abused

Signs of abuse can include your child:

• no longer hanging out with their circle of friends
• not doing as well at school, or skipping school altogether
• constantly checking their phone
• being withdrawn and quieter than usual
• being angry and becoming irritable when asked how they're doing
• making excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend
• having unexplained scratches or bruises
• showing changes in mood or personality
• using drugs or alcohol

Warning signs your teen's partner is abusive

It's a sign of controlling or violent behaviour if your child's boyfriend or girlfriend:

• gets extremely jealous
• monitors texts, messages, calls and emails, and gets angry if there isn't an instant response
• has trouble controlling his or her emotions, particularly anger
• stops your child seeing or talking with friends and family as much as they'd like
• uses force during an argument
• blames others for his or her problems or feelings
• is verbally abusive
• shows threatening behaviour towards others

How to help

Talk to your child about what's OK and what's not in a relationship. Some teenagers believe violence is "just the way things are", or is "just messing around".

Make sure they understand that violent or controlling behaviour is not OK, and that nobody should put up with it.

Some girls believe that if their boyfriend gets jealous or checks up on them, it means he loves them.

Let your teenage girl know that this kind of behaviour is not about love or romance, it's about control and her boyfriend making her behave in the way he wants.

Some boys might believe that controlling their girlfriend's behaviour makes them more of a man. Make sure your teenage boy knows that using violence does not make someone a man.

Talking tips

Before you start the conversation with your teenager, think through what your concerns are.

Consider talking about it confidentially with someone like your GP or a friend. This will help you understand your own feelings so you won't be too emotional when you talk to your child.

Try not to talk to your teenager in a confrontational way. Say you're worried about them and ask if everything's OK.

Even if they don't talk to you at this point, they might go away and think about things, and talk to you later.

Show your support

Tell your child they can always come to you, no matter what.

Victims of abuse can feel ashamed and believe (wrongly) that the abuse is their fault. Make it clear that being abused is never your child's fault, and you will help them if they come to you.

You can also tell them about helplines, such as ChildLine (0800 11 11) or the NSPCC (0808 800 5000), which they can call if they don't feel they can talk to you.

'My partner abused me'

One 28-year-old woman talks about her experience of domestic violence and reclaiming her life.

Cover your tracks

Worried that someone might see you have been on this page? Find out how you can cover your tracks online

"Four years ago, I moved to London, started a new job, and met Darren (not his real name). He was very charming and complimentary, and was always sending me flowers and cards.

"He would get up to make my breakfast, put the shower on for me, and even watch me dry my hair as I got ready for work.

"It seemed odd, but he explained it was because he liked watching me. In hindsight, I realise he did it so he could see what I was wearing.

"Before long, he started asking why I bothered putting on make-up. He told me that I was 'beautiful and perfect' without it. Then he began laying out my clothes for me. It was his way of being able to choose what I wore."

Name-calling, then violence

"After two months, he began to wait for me outside work. If I didn't come out immediately, he'd get angry. He accused me of staying late so I could flirt with other men.

"He said that he only waited because he loved me. He became moody and would start rows. He'd call me names and mock my accent.

"A little voice in the back of my head kept saying, 'You're not happy', but I tried to ignore it. I always seemed to be on the phone to Darren explaining what I was doing.

"Even though I was sometimes up at 3am for my job, he expected his dinner to be on the table when he came in from work.

"Gradually, he became the most important thing in my life – the only thing in my life. I had less and less contact with family and friends.

"One day when we were bickering, Darren pushed me on to the floor. Finally, I stood up to him and told him he couldn't treat me that way, that people go to prison for behaving like that. He laughed, called me a liability, then rang the police.

"He told them that we had been having a row and I was planning to call them the next day to say he had hit me so as to cause trouble for him. I felt really scared as I'd never been in that situation before. I was embarrassed and shocked, and didn't know what to do."

Hitting, spitting, humiliation

"After this incident, the violence became a regular occurrence in our relationship. One time, he broke my finger and I had to see a hand specialist. On another occasion, I went to A&E with bruising to my head, face and body.

"He spat at me, pushed me, kicked me and bit me. Once he even tried to run me over. After each bout of violence, he would tenderly rub Arnica cream (a treatment for bruises) on my skin and tell me he was my 'protector'. I began to feel that I was going mad.

"The degradation was harder to cope with than the violence. I became so insecure and unsure of what was right or wrong by my own standards, never mind legally, that I allowed many things to happen that I never would have before.

"Darren would make me beg on my knees if I wanted something, or he'd throw money on the pavement and order me to pick it up."

Leaving, and regaining confidence

"I became convinced I was ugly. When we went out, Darren would blatantly stare at women in front of me then, if I complained, tell me that I was imagining it.

"Bit by bit, my sense of reason and self-esteem evaporated. He became more and more controlling. He even told my mum to contact me only through his mobile because it was 'easier'.

"Each night, he would search my bag and check the mileage on my car. He would take pictures of me as I was walking around the house, or when I was sobbing after an argument.

"I finally left Darren after he attacked me with a corkscrew. It took me a long time to build up my confidence again, especially as he continued to harass me long after I left him.

"He had completely crushed my self-worth. My career in PR, which had been going from strength to strength before I met him, really suffered.

"With the support of my friends, family and the staff at Refuge (an organisation that provides services and advice for abused women and children) I was able to rebuild my life and confidence.

I have worked hard to get back on track and I'm doing really well at work now. Most importantly, I know my own mind again."

Getting help

Anyone who is experiencing domestic violence, or is concerned about someone who is, can call 0808 2000 247, the free 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge.

How to cover your internet usage

Worried that someone might see you have been on this page?

Find out how to cover your tracks online.

If you need help, call 0808 2000 247, the free 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge

Recognising the signs of domestic violence

Anybody can experience domestic abuse. Find out how to recognise the signs.

If you're worried someone might see you have been on this page, find out how to cover your tracks online.

Anybody can be affected by domestic abuse and anybody can be an abuser. "Domestic violence is very common," says Teresa Parker from Women's Aid, a national charity working to end the problem. "Anyone can experience it, irrespective of race, ethnicity, religion, class, disability or lifestyle."

Almost a third of domestic violence and abuse starts during pregnancy. If it starts before pregnancy, it can get worse over the nine months. Whatever your situation, you can get help and support for domestic violence.

How do I know if I am experiencing abuse?

If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

• Has your partner tried to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Has your partner prevented you from continuing or starting a college course, or from going to work?
• Does your partner constantly check up on you or follow you?
• Does your partner accuse you unjustly of flirting or of having affairs?
• Does your partner constantly belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you in front of other people?
• Are you ever scared of your partner?
• Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do or say to you?
• Has your partner ever deliberately destroyed any of your possessions?
• Has your partner ever hurt or threatened you or your children?
• Has your partner ever kept you short of money so you're unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children?
• Has your partner ever forced you to do something that you really didn't want to do, including sexually?

If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, there are lots of people who can help you. Find out where to get help and support for domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse

Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone. Find out how to recognise the signs and where to get help.

If you're worried someone might see you have been on this page, find out how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic violence, also called domestic abuse, includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse in couple relationships or between family members.

Domestic violence can happen against women and against men, and anybody can be an abuser.

This page covers:

Getting help for domestic abuse

Signs of domestic abuse

If you decide to leave your partner

How to help a friend if they're being abused

Whatever your situation, whoever you are, you can get help.

Getting help and support for domestic violence

You don't have to wait for an emergency situation to seek help. If domestic abuse is happening to you, it's important to tell someone and remember you're not alone.

You can:

• talk to your doctor, health visitor or midwife
• women can call 0808 2000 247, the free 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge
• men can call the Men's Advice Line free on 0808 801 0327 (Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm) or ManKind on 01823 334 244
• in an emergency, call 999

The Survivor's Handbook from the charity Women's Aid is free, and provides information for women on a wide range of issues, such as housing, money, helping your children, and your legal rights.

Men can also email info@mensadviceline.org.uk, which can refer men to local places that can help, such as health services and voluntary organisations.

For forced marriage and "honour" crimes, contact Karma Nirvana (0800 5999 247) or The Forced Marriage Unit (020 7008 0151).

Galop provides support to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people experiencing domestic violence.

Anyone who needs confidential help with their own abusive behaviour can contact Respect on their free helpline on 0808 802 4040.

Signs of domestic violence and abuse

There are different kinds of abuse, but it's always about having power and control over you.

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you might be in an abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse

Does your partner ever:

• belittle you, or put you down?
• blame you for the abuse or arguments?
• deny that abuse is happening, or play it down?
• isolate you from your family and friends?
• stop you going to college or work?
• make unreasonable demands for your attention?
• accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
• tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
• control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?

Threats and intimidation

Does your partner ever:

• threaten to hurt or kill you?
• destroy things that belong to you?
• stand over you, invade your personal space?
• threaten to kill themselves or the children?
• read your emails, texts or letters?
• harass or follow you?

Physical abuse

The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways.

Does your partner ever:

• slap, hit or punch you?
• push or shove you?
• bite or kick you?
• burn you?
• choke you or hold you down?
• throw things?

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, whether they're male or female.

Does your partner ever:

• touch you in a way you don't want to be touched?
• make unwanted sexual demands?
• hurt you during sex?
• pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?
• pressure you to have sex?

If your partner has sex with you when you don't want to, this is rape.

Have you ever felt afraid of your partner?

Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do?

If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, there are lots of people who can help you.

A third of domestic violence and abuse against women starts during pregnancy. If the relationship is already abusive, it can get worse.

Find out more about domestic violence in pregnancy.

If you decide to leave

The first step in escaping an abusive situation is realising that you're not alone and it's not your fault.

Before you go, try to get advice from an organisation such as:

• Women's Aid or Refuge for women
• Men's Advice Line for men

If you're considering leaving, be careful who you tell. It's important your partner doesn't know where you're going.

Women's Aid has useful information about making a safety plan that applies to both women and men, including advice if you decide to leave.

Worried that someone might see you have been on this page? Find out how to cover your tracks online

Helping a friend if they're being abused

If you're worried a friend is being abused, let them know you've noticed something is wrong.

They might not be ready to talk, but try to find quiet times when they can talk if they choose to.

If someone confides in you that they're suffering domestic abuse:

• listen, and take care not to blame them
• acknowledge it takes strength to talk to someone about experiencing abuse
• give them time to talk, but don't push them to talk if they don't want to
• acknowledge they're in a frightening and difficult situation
• tell them nobody deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what the abuser has said
• support them as a friend – encourage them to express their feelings, and allow them to make their own decisions
• don't tell them to leave the relationship if they're not ready – that's their decision
• ask if they have suffered physical harm – if so, offer to go with them to a hospital or GP
• help them report the assault to the police if they choose to
• be ready to provide information on organisations that offer help for people experiencing domestic abuse

Sexual assault

Women and men who have been sexually assaulted can get confidential help, treatment and support at a sexual assault referral centre.

Read more about getting help after a sexual assault.

Find your nearest sexual assault referral centre

Ten weight loss myths

So much is said about losing weight that it can be hard to sort fact from fiction. Here's the truth about 10 common weight loss myths.

1. A radical exercise regime is the only way to lose weight

Not true. Successful weight loss involves making small changes that you can stick to for a long time. That means being more physically active in your daily routine. Adults should get at least 150 minutes of physical activity – such as fast walking or cycling – every week, and those who are overweight are likely to need more than this to lose weight. To lose weight, you need to burn more calories than you consume. This can be achieved by eating less, moving more or, best of all, a combination of both. Try the 12-week NHS weight loss plan.

2. Healthier foods are more expensive

It may seem that healthier foods are more expensive than their unhealthier alternatives. However, if you try replacing ingredients with healthier alternatives, you'll probably find your meals will work out costing less. For example, choosing cheaper cuts of meat and mixing it with cheaper alternatives such as beans, pulses and frozen veg will make it go further in casseroles or stir-fries. Learn more about eating well for less.

3. Carbs make you put on weight

Eaten in the right quantities and as part of a balanced diet, carbohydrates will not, on their own (i.e. without butter, creamy sauces, etc. added to them) lead to weight gain. Eat whole grain and wholemeal carbohydrates such as brown rice and wholemeal bread, and potatoes with the skins on to increase your intake of fibre and don't fry starchy foods when trying to lose weight. Learn more in starchy foods.

4. Starving myself is the best way to lose weight

Crash diets are unlikely to result in long-term weight loss. In fact, they can sometimes lead to longer term weight gain. The main problem is that this type of diet is too hard to maintain. You may also be missing out on essential nutrients as crash diets can be limited in the variety of food consumed. Your body will be low on energy, and may cause you to crave high-fat and high-sugar foods. This can lead to eating those foods and more calories than you need, causing weight gain. Learn more about a healthy diet and how to lose weight sensibly.

5. Some foods speed up your metabolism

Metabolism describes all the chemical processes that go on continuously inside the body to keep you alive and your organs functioning normally, such as breathing, repairing cells and digesting food. These processes need energy and the amount of energy required varies between individuals depending on factors such as body size, age, gender and genes.

It is claimed that certain foods and drinks can increase your metabolism by helping the body to burn more calories and aid weight loss. There is little scientific evidence for this. Beware that some of these products may contain high levels of caffeine and sugar. To lose weight you need to burn more calories than you consume. Try these tips to get more active.

6. All slimming pills are safe to use for weight loss

Not all slimming tablets are effective or safe to use to lose weight. There are a number of prescribed medicines available from your GP for weight loss. There are also other un-prescribed, unlicensed weight loss products available on the market which may contain ingredients that are harmful to health. If you are concerned about your weight, consult your GP or another healthcare professional.

7. Foods labelled 'low fat' or 'reduced fat' are always a healthy choice

Be cautious. Foods labelled "low fat" have to contain no more than a specific amount of fat to legally use that label. If a food is labelled as "low-fat" or "reduced fat", it should contain less fat than the full-fat version, but that doesn't automatically make it a healthy choice: Check the label to see how much fat it contains. Some low-fat foods may also contain high levels of sugar. Learn more in Fat: the facts.

8. Cutting out all snacks can help you lose weight

Snacking isn't the problem when trying to lose weight: it's the type of snack. Many people need a snack in-between meals to maintain energy levels, especially if they have an active lifestyle. Choose fruit or vegetables instead of crisps, chocolate and other snacks that are high in sugar, salt and fat. Try these healthy food swaps.

9. Drinking water helps you lose weight

Water does not cause you to lose weight, but it does keep you hydrated and might help you snack less. Water is essential for good health and wellbeing. Sometimes thirst can be mistaken for hunger – if you're thirsty you may snack more. Learn more in water and drinks.

10. Skipping meals is a good way to lose weight

Skipping meals is not a good idea. To lose weight and keep it off, you have to reduce the amount of calories you consume and increase the calories you burn through exercise. But skipping meals altogether can result in tiredness and may mean you miss out on essential nutrients. You will also be more likely to snack on high-fat and high-sugar foods, which could result in weight gain. Check these 12 must-do weight loss steps.

Recommended physical activity levels for adults

• adults (19-64 years) should do 150 minutes every week
• older adults (65+ years) should do 150 minutes every week

Adults who are overweight are likely to need to do more than the recommended amount of activity to lose weight, and this activity should be accompanied by changes to diet.

'Eaten in the right quantities, carbohydrates will not cause weight gain'